IPAM is an acronym for the Intergalactic Planetary Alliance Military. If you were looking for the experimental sex android made by Apple, you might try iPam. The IPAM was formed in the year 2066 CE after an extremely brutal series of videogame console wars. Since this date (July the 3rd, to be exact), IPAM has maintained the supreme military dominance over the Galaxy.
The history is quite difficult to explain, because it is very vague. All that is known is that one day some kind of a space probe somehow made its way into the Solar System through use of FTL technology. Over the past few years, the videogame console war had turned into an all-out war between the two big contenders of Microsoft and Nintendo (Sony had failed to live past the Playstation 2 era.) One time during a skirmish on the Nintendo of America HQ, the CEO (General) of Microsoft, a clone of Bill Gates, picked up a strange signal on his X Cube 3,000. It was the signal from the probe. The advanced calculating power of X Cube 3,000 allowed it to send an unmanned recovery vessel into space to bring the probe to Earth.
(Unfortunately, this particular unit suffered from massive general hardware failure upon completing its calculations.)Immediately, it was picked apart and reverse engineered, and inside were you and that other guy locked in frozen, yet heated, Sodomy. You were taking it. Immediately you were unfrozen and dissapointed to learn that that other guy was in a coma from which he could not be awakened with modern Earth medical science. Temporarily abandoning all personal attachment, you welcomed the humans into the IPAM.
Though a formidable force with formidable military prowress, the IPAM computing software is still Windows Vista, the most horrible yet most recent version of Windows released to date.
Military training Edit
Military training for the IPAM consists of a seven week training program, with the first week being the most brutal and gradually easing up until the seventh and final week.
- Week one - Consists of at least three hours a day of continuous Anal Probing. Can last longer if the soldier has not behaved well or does not agree with the Drill Instructor.
- Week two - Consists of at least two kicks in the balls per day for human males in order to increase resistance to severe pain.
- Week three - This is the week where one is suspended upside down for at least half of the day and constantly dipped into a water bath while the room is kept at 33 degress Fahrenheit.
- Week four - Recruits are forced to drive Dodge Neons.
- Week five - Recruits are face raped by rabid Badgers.
- Week six - Recruits undergo an easy training course with no real punishment.
- FINAL WEEK - Recruits are forced to stay on the computer 24/7, with all computers running with Windows Vista at the minimum operating requirements. Most Recruits die during this week, but those who survive are handed their assignments on the last day, of course.
Included races and demographics. Edit
This is the list of included races, by population:
- Terrans - Always the asshole majority, they make up approximately 9 billion of the population.
- The Steinians - A race that constantly complains and obsesses over their wealth. They make up a large percentage of the IPAM's lawyers. There is a somewhat popular theory that they are actually Jews, but this theory is untested and mostly ignored by the scientific community. Their population was at 3 billion at last census.
- Torians - A species that seems to resemble the Cow. they make up only 2,500 of the population. This is mainly because humans eat them, mistaking them for Cows.
- The Unknowns - An Unknown species of unknown number, they run things behind the scenes.